Grateful is the new black
Under stars, seeds well hope in the darkness
It was in the dark of the night that I turned to the internet to seek answers. The middle of the night can be a very scary place when you are alone in your mind and in total despair. I had recently lost everything. I had lost my family and my value as a mother as a consequence of my now exposed infidelity. In a place of deep hurt and pain, my family held an intervention, just hours after the traumatic exposure, where they asked me to leave our home and their lives forever. They each explained how I had become a disgusting monster to them where previously they had held me on a very high pedestal. As you read this you are most likely silently thinking, a natural outcome to your deplorable behavior but somehow my mind had never ever considered this reality.
In my childhood, my real mom had been removed from the home by ambulance, as a result of a failed suicide attempt. Within weeks, our next door neighbor moved into the house and became my new Mum, now only just spelled with a u. We just moved on with life, without any discussion or any freedom to express feelings, or hurt. Somehow I had expected that no matter what my children would remain loyal to me as well. Despite the wickedness within me, I had always been a caring, hardworking mother. My children were my pride and joy and wouldn’t they want to see my happy? A famous rationa-LIE-zation that has fueled an ever increasing divorce rate in today’s culture but I digress.
Where was I? Oh yes, I had not eaten or slept in days, with the question how did I end up becoming this poisonous deplorable woman spinning wildly round and round in my thoughts. Pathological liar and narcissistic were terms I typed over and over again into google search in the pitch black with the same answer glowing back– personality disorders are difficult to treat as they are rooted in childhood. “Nooooooooo”,I loudly screamed out, now violently sobbing. I had to change! I had to fight for my family! I was at the end of myself, wanting to believe there was some good in me but unable to find reassurance from the internet pages. For the first time ever, I acknowledged I needed help.
It never ceases to amaze me to learn how God has moved in other peoples lives, nor do I tire of sharing my journey to becoming a Christian. My faith journey began in a quest to find a licensed physiatrist, only I did not know it at the time. The morning immediately after that late night internet self-diagnosis, I drove from physiatrist office to psychiatrist office, with no appointments available for months. Mounting desire to end my life, plans to do so now formulating in my mind, I knew I had to talk with someone that day. So I walked into this family counselling office I had been aware of from my work experience, and asked the receptionist if there were any appointments? There had just been a phone cancellation and so I took the spot, waiting less than 30 minutes. I spewed like a volcano in this loving, caring environment, so relieved to hear from the counselor there was hope for me. I committed to undergoing post-traumatic stress disorder therapies and extensive counselling. She had no other appointments for weeks and so this kind counsellor referred me to another member of her team, in the interim to help me cope. With the news of a healing plan my husband invited me back home; under very unhealthy conditions but I was desperate and had not yet found forgiveness and unconditional love at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ.
After years of being emotionless, waves of emotions continually crashed down on me and I was now living amongst those I had wounded and betrayed deeply. The anger was intense and more than I could handle alone. During these difficult dark days, my Christian friends began telling me I needed God and that no amount of counselling would help me. This truth pounded in my chest, although I did not understand it. Finally, I agreed to have coffee with my dearest girlfriend Stacey. I opened the door of her garage and I ran into her arms. I cried like I had never cried before and explained to her that I was pure poison on the inside. That I always believed it was everyone else’s fault but that it was all me. Words can never describe the abundance of mercy, compassion and wisdom Stacey showed me that day, as she helped lead me to the Lord by sharing her strong faith. I did not know what I was doing, so I just held Stacey’s hand and asked her how to accept Jesus into my heart. I just repeated her prayer out loud. A few days later, Stacey presented me with my first bible and I started my journey at Psalms 32: The Blessings of Forgiveness. I highlighted nearly every word that day and scripture has been speaking to and transforming my heart ever since.
But my journey to Christ does not end there. Remember, I had committed to extensive counselling and trauma therapies and my family needed to see a woman who was following through on her promises, a small step to begin rebuilding trust. However, something was happening inside me, as I began to pray daily for my stony stubborn heart to be replaced with a tender responsive heart of flesh. I now knew God as a miracle performing, healing God. I had put all my trust in Jesus and Jesus alone, by the time the first trauma therapy appointment arrived. I nervously walked into the office of the counsellor, who had brought me so much hope just one month earlier. I just blurted out that I was scared to do the PTSD treatments. I shared with her that I had recently accepted Jesus as my savior and recounted the series of miracles happening in my life. Yet, I was here as I did not want to jeopardize healing with my family as I had promised to remain in counselling. After listening intently, she gently leaned over rubbed my hand and said “I am a Christian too. Would you like to do our session utilizing bible scripture?”
In my whole existence to this point of self-inflicted crisis in my life, I had never considered God. My mind and my heart were indifferent really to the question of whether I believed in God or not. Nor did I question the existence of life, Darwin’s theory of evolution taught in science class seemed reasonable enough. I had no familiarity with the bible or church but now looking back I can see the hundreds of times that God revealed himself to me. He had been gently yet zealously pursuing me for years.
Faith now guides my healing journey under the care and protection of God the great physician. As I continue to renew my mind daily in the word of God, I thoroughly enjoy how personalized my scripture readings are. God uses my passion for fashion to disciple me in the ways I should go. How to dress for battle, how to clothe myself in love, joy and peace. Scripture speaks a great deal on the attributes and behaviors Christians are to put on and put off. However the greatest fashion advice given to me by God is that grateful is my new black. With praise and thankfulness in my heart I am now ready for the runway of life. As I continue to grow from my emotional wounds and failures he has revealed that under stars, seeds well hope in the black. Isn’t God amazing!
